Are You Bloody Insane?
by Greensword101
Summary: Why attacking Harry Potter is suicide in The Dursley home...Takes place after 5th year.


**Author's Notes:** Someone had to write what would really happen if Vernon tried to make Harry his personal bitch in the HP universe sooner or later. I have read at least one parody but never a scenario where Vernon's plan wouldn't have worked. So I wanted to see how I could write what would actually happen if Vernon tried to cause another Hurt/Comfort Fic to be created. Please let me know how I did, this is my first Harry Potter fanfic.

 **Disclaimer: All Rights to Harry Potter Belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers.**

It was a hot day in Privet Drive. The telly was blaring one of Dudley's shows. He wasn't sure which one it was. Probably one of those shows that was originally created by those filthy Americans, they couldn't do anything original. Holding a strong drink in his hand, Vernon looked up at the ceiling where he heard feet shuffling about and scowled.

The Boy had been holing himself up there ever since they arrived home. A few times, he went out on walks and would be back in the evening before dinner. And he would always keep that blasted freakish stick with him whenever he did venture out of the house.

This wasn't right. That Boy shouldn't be left to his own devices like this, especially with Petunia slaving away day and night to keep the home presentable. But ever since the last three summers ago, the Boy had stopped doing chores altogether and strutted around like he owned the place. And those….those… _freaks_ actually had the gall to tell Vernon off for trying to discipline that ungrateful brat just a few days ago when he returned from that freakish school of his! The one with the lazy eye gave his dear Petunia a heart attack!

No chores being done, no means to discipline the Boy physically without being pushed back by the wind – he refused to believe that an invisible force pushed him away the time he tried belting the Boy when he was 3, the worst he could do was lock him in the cupboard that was once his room – and now Dudley had been more withdrawn even after coming back from Smeltings this summer. More weight had been lost – Petunia had been wailing that her baby was being malnourished and Vernon agreed, minus the baby part – and he hadn't been out of the house either, hanging out with his friends, Piers and the rest, like he used to.

He would show them. No one threatened Vernon Dursley and his family and got away with it.

First things first, though. He marched halfway up the stairs, the boards creaking underneath his feet. That Boy had it coming to him for a long time. It was high time that he learned his place in this household once and for all!

"Vernon, what are you doing?" Petunia's voice came from behind him.

"That Boy needs to be taught a lesson." Vernon said. "Could you go into our room and fetch the belt? I think I ought to introduce it to him."

"W-why?"

"Why?" Vernon turned around from his place at the staircase and looked at Petunia, his eyes almost popping out of their sockets. "I won't have some ingrate strutting around like he owns this place just because a bunch of freaks say we can't do anything to him. I'm going to beat some sense into him; if we're telling the neighbors he's going to St. Brutus's, then he ought to be treated as such. I'd prefer to cane him, but a belting would work for the time being. Kill that bloody pigeon while I'm at it too."

She would understand, she hated her sister just as much as she hated the Boy-

"VERNON, ARE YOU BLOODY INSANE?!"

Clearly one of two things was happening: either his wife was having a hard time comprehending the brilliant and simple solution to the problem at hand…or it was that time of the month again…and dear Lord, Tuny was always more on edge during that time.

"Petunia, my dearest, this is for the best, trust me." Vernon said reassuringly. "Now please get my belt so I can teach the Boy a lesson in humility."

"Don't you remember what we were told by those – those 'people'?!" Petunia emphasized the last word like it were something filthy, her face scrunching up like she swallowed a lemon whole.

"Yes, and I won't be threatened by freaks, one freak in this household is enough!" Vernon retorted.

"She wasn't just talking about the threat, you idiot."

Vernon's blood ran cold. He slowly turned around to look in the direction in where the voice came from. Standing there, annoyed and pointing that blasted stick at him was the Boy.

"And by the way, I could hear you coming up the stairs and talking about what you were going to do to me." The Boy said bluntly. "So, Vernon, let's review. You were about to beat me up to teach me some…dignity – something that your oaf of a son could use, by the way – and this is regardless of what the Order just told you a few days ago about how I was to be treated."

Vernon felt his courage return as the pieces of the puzzle connected before him. He sneered. "I'd put that wand away if I were you, Boy. Can't do any of that magic outside of that freakish school of yours."

The Boy didn't even flinch. He even smirked. "Actually, I learned recently that underage wizards are allowed to perform magic in life-threatening situations. Like last summer, where I used the Patronus Charm to save Dudley's life."

That last bit was spoken with bitterness, as if he felt the reception afterwards from the household were unjust.

"Vernon, think for a moment." Petunia was panicking. He had to stop the Boy before he gave his poor Aunt a heart attack.

Vernon took a step up threateningly, eager for the moment he could finally throttle the Boy like he should have long ago.

"Alright, you're not getting the message, aren't you?" The Boy sighed. "So, what's going to happen after you…discipline me?"

"I'll kill that ruddy bird of yours and destroy everything you own after this stunt you're pulling." Vernon could feel his face grow hot; it must have been the heat. He was a reasonable man, after all, there was no way he could lose his cool that easily like those freaks keep saying he does.

The Boy kept his wand up. The fool. He nodded and said in a mock tone of understanding. "Ah, I see. Killing Hedwig means I won't be able to call for help from any of my lot. That actually sounds like a decent plan, except you forgot one thing, Vernon."

"And what's that, Potter?" Vernon took another step up the stairs. He was getting close now.

"The Order said that they were expecting at least three letters a week from Hedwig. If they don't get any, they'll know something's up."

"Then I'll keep the pigeon alive and make you write the letters in my presence, discipline you and take that stick away from you." Vernon retorted. Another step up.

The Boy tilted his head so he could look at Petunia. "Aunt Petunia, what exactly did the Order say back at King's Cross?"

Surprisingly, Petunia answered automatically. "They said that they would know if you were being mistreated or not."

"Don't listen to the Boy, Petunia, he's just making empty threats as usual." Vernon didn't look back and took another step up. One more and he would be in range to snatch that stick out pf the Boy's grasp.

"Am I?" Potter actually began glaring at him, he could feel his skin prickling from whatever freakishness that was coming from him. "Do you want to know how the Order will know if I'm being mistreated even with three letters a week? It's because they have spies in the neighborhood, people who are looking out for me and keeping you ungrateful pricks alive too.

"And's that's just them, how do you think the rest of Privet Drive is going to react when they see me covered in cuts and bruises that you're probably fantasizing about giving me? Do you think they won't notice anything's off? How about how I would react? I think I've made it clear over the years how I felt about your stupid rules and punishments over things I had no control over. I've made it clear that I am not going to be ruled by you any longer.

"So, Vernon, what makes you think that beating me up won't make me want to run to the nearest spy and ask for help? What makes you think that I won't call the constable and tell him that my relatives are acting insane and have been hurting me? Do you think you actually scare me anymore? Because there are things I've faced that would make you piss yourself in a second. There are things that you don't know of, that Mad-Eye said would fill a load of books."

"I'm warning you, Boy, don't test me!" Vernon raised his voice a little bit, so he found it overdramatic of the Boy as usual to wince at the slight change in volume.

"No, Vernon, don't test _me!_ " The Boy's voice was cold and harsh now. A change from his usual raising-voice-and-using-foul-language-that-he-certainly-did-not-get-from-Vernon-himself.

Something inside finally snapped and Vernon lunged forward with every intent on beating the Boy within an inch of his life. He actually felt utter glee at the prospect, having the Boy at his mercy and doing whatever he wanted with him. Except for that horrible thing that apparently happens in prisons in America, he wasn't going to do anything _that_ freakish.

And that was when he heard the Boy say something – was the Boy calling him stupid?! – and his entire body was sent across the room, his vision turning to black. Right before his body hit the ground, he felt something tug at him, like a rope keeping him from going further down the current.

Vernon felt his heart thumping against his chest as everything faded out. He couldn't blame the heat on his panic, now could he?

XXX

Mad-Eye took one look at Uncle Vernon and snarled. "I specifically threatened Dursley if he mistreated you again and yet you're telling me that he just attempted to do exactly the opposite of what I had ordered him to do?! Your uncle can't be that dense, Potter!"

"And yet, here we are." Tonks nudged Uncle Vernon's unconscious form on the sofa with her toe, much to Aunt Petunia's dismay. "Arriving in a house that is impossibly clean and making my skin crawl, hearing Harry tell us that his uncle was about to attack him and forced to use magic in self-defense."

Harry smiled wearily. "I can't thank you both enough for coming here and helping clear this mess up with the Improper Use of Magic Office."

"We're just thankful most of the Ministry's been bombarded with Howlers day in and out to interfere. Most offices are being blamed for the issue with You-Know-Who returning, so it made our jobs running interference easier." Tonks smirked. "Just be thankful that the Improper Use Office didn't send a warning letter before we came."

"Smart thinking sending your owl to us when you did." Mad-Eye added. "What gave you that kind of insight anyhow?"

Harry shrugged. "I heard him coming up stairs and then him telling my aunt what he was going to do. All I did while they were talking was write the note and send Hedwig away before anything happened. Then I got my wand out and tried talking him out of it. Not that it did much good, mind you."

Mad-Eye hobbled around across the living room, Petunia flinching as the peg-leg made small dents in the flooring she worked so hard to polish. "So that's one Stunning Jinx and a Levitation Charm to keep that idiot uncle of yours from breaking his neck from the fall downstairs?"

Harry nodded.

"You're better than most wizards, Potter. They wouldn't have made a single effort to prevent that bastard from dying." Mad-Eye nodded in approval.

At this, Harry felt his cheeks grow warm. It was embarrassing.

Mad-Eye pulled out his wand and hovered it over Uncle Vernon's unconscious form. He suddenly barked. "Tonks! Wand out in case he does something stupid again when I revive him and tries to strangle me. I'm not as young as I used to be."

Tonks jumped from the sudden order and obeyed. Petunia eyed her with suspicion, which was justified since Tonks had successfully knocked over the coat-hanger on her way in and even broke the television set when she was helping Moody carry Vernon's body over to the couch – Dudley had fled the premises the moment he saw them – and so took a protective stance towards the china nearest Tonks, as if her body would act as a shield.

XXX

It turned out to be an amusing and quite educational day for both Harry and the Dursleys. Harry learned that his relatives had reached a new kind of stupid and vowed to tread with caution around them. Meals were taken upstairs in his bedroom; Hedwig's cage was relocated to Mrs. Figg's house for safe-keeping in case Vernon tried attacking the poor bird – Mrs. Figg did not appreciate her cats being frightened by the snowy-white owl. And Harry kept his most valuable possessions; the Invisibility Cloak, Firebolt, the photograph of his parents, hidden under the floorboard of his bedroom in case they were sought out by Vernon.

The Dursleys – mostly Vernon – learned that they were lucky that they weren't killed by someone tormented by them for years. Dudley had started leaving the house more often and coming back sweaty and still miserable-looking from no television. Petunia began covering everything she deemed valuable in bubble-wrappings in case someone like Tonks came again. And Vernon learned that some of the best solutions were found at the bottom of a bottle of brandy…until that was taken away and he was left to stew in his anger and terror.

And that was before Dumbledore came knocking on their door one night that July and everything went to shit.

 **Author's Notes:** I wanted to avoid making Harry sound super intelligent like that tends to happen in fanfics that aren't Peggy Sues. So I stuck to the basic dry-wit and possibly attacking Vernon's intelligence. I'm actually surprised he was able to stop Vernon from breaking his neck - I actually wanted that fate for Vernon to occur, but changed it because Harry wouldn't be that cruel. He risked expulsion to save Dudley from the Dementors after all, shows what kind of character Harry is.

I want to thank the writer of the fanfic _What Was Your Plan?_ for the inspiration. Don't like evil!Dumbledore mainly because that's not his character (still don't like his leaving Harry with the Dursleys, though), but part of this one-shot was made based on one person pointing out how stupid their plan is. So thanks, **SpoonandJohn** , it really helped get this story off the ground.


End file.
